Signs of Domestic Violence or Abuse

Napuha Kha Nii

Intimate partner violence, or domestic violence, can be difficult to see if it starts little by little, if your partner says they love you, or if they support you financially. Domestic violence can include forced sex, physical abuse, and emotional abuse, such as cruel words or threats. It can happen between married people, to a couple who lives together or apart, or to a same-sex couple. Abuse is never OK.

How do I know whether I’m being abused?

You may be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

Controls what you’re doing
Checks your phone, email, or social networks without your permission
Forces you to have sex when you don’t want to
Controls your birth control or insists that you get pregnant
Decides what you wear or eat or how you spend money
Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school or seeing your family or friends
Humiliates you on purpose in front of others
Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful
Destroys your things
Threatens to hurt you, your children, other loved ones, or your pets
Hurts you physically (e.g., hitting, beating, punching, pushing, kicking), including with a weapon
Blames you for his or her violent outbursts
Threatens to hurt herself or himself because of being upset with you
Threatens to report you to the authorities for imagined crimes
Says things like, “If I can’t have you, then no one can”

What are signs of domestic violence or abuse in same-sex relationships?

If you are in a same-sex relationship, many signs of domestic violence are the same as other people in an abusive relationship. Your partner may hit you, try to control you, or force you to have sex. But you may also experience additional signs of abuse, including:

Threatening to “out you” to your family, friends, employer, or community
Telling you that you have to be legally married to be considered a victim of domestic violence and to get help
Saying women aren’t or can’t be violent
Telling you the authorities won’t help a lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or other nonconforming person
Forcing you to “prove” your sexuality by performing sex acts that you do not consent to

Regardless of your gender identity or sexual orientation, no one has the right to physically hurt you or threaten your safety.

What can I do if I’m being abused?

Your safety is the most important concern. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

If you are not in immediate danger, consider these options:

Get medical care. If you have been injured or sexually assaulted, go to a local hospital emergency room or urgent care center. You need medical care and may need medicines after being injured or raped.
Call a helpline for free, anonymous help. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TDD). The hotline offers help 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, in many languages. Hotline staff can give you numbers for other resources, such as local domestic violence shelters. If you are deaf or hard of hearing, there are resources available for you. The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs has a hotline to help LGBTQ victims of violence. Call 212-714-1141 for 24-hour support in English or Spanish.
Make a safety plan to leave. Domestic violence usually does not get better. Think about a safe place for you to go and other things you will need. Staff at the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you plan.
Save the evidence. Keep evidence of abuse, such as pictures of your injuries or threatening emails or texts, in a safe place the abuser cannot get to.
Find out where to get help in your community. Look up local resources for a list of local places to get help.
Talk to someone. Reach out to someone you trust. This might be a family member, a friend, a co-worker, or a spiritual leader. Look for ways to get emotional help, like a support group or mental health professional.
Look into a restraining order. Consider getting a protection order.

If you are the victim of domestic violence, know that you are not alone. The Napuha Kha Nii “Healing House” can help you.

What can happen if I don’t get help?

Domestic violence often results in physical and emotional injuries. It can also lead to other health problems, reproductive health challenges, mental health conditions such as depression, and suicide. Women affected by intimate partner violence are also more likely to use drugs or alcohol to cope.

Domestic violence can even end in death. Women who live in a home with guns are five times more likely to be killed. More than half of women murdered with guns are killed by intimate partners.